It’s currently 1:30AM and I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep without writing what’s on my mind. I’m not sure if this realization is simply part of becoming an adult, but lately I’ve felt like I spent my childhood overestimating humanity. The way a child believes their guardians are perfect role models and then one day they have the epiphany that their guardians are just people. I’ve worked too many customer service jobs, spent too much time on social media, and know too much history to think that humans are a species worth bragging about; however, it’s possible that I held a certain amount of hope for the world outside of my household as a coping mechanism.
In hindsight, I do think if I had my current knowledge/perception of the world while I was still a teenager, I might not have made it out. The past few months I’ve been processing more childhood traumas and relearning how to feel safe in this world on a deeper level. It’s been difficult since I feel like I’m in this neverending cycle of grieving my inner child, but knowing that I’m taking care of myself and building a stronger connection with myself is rewarding. I think I finally feel safe enough to give up my rose-tinted glasses.
Specifically, I think I’ve become more realistic about general society wanting to change for the better. This isn’t about fully giving up on society and believing no one and nothing ever changes, but it seems that most of us are only looking for surface level changes rather than addressing an outdated and dangerous foundation. Thankfully, feeling safer has allowed me to feel more connected with the world, so I understand the fears and the frameworks that keep us from making life-altering progress. I guess I’m just feeling a bit disappointed at how often we let things that we can control hinder our happiness personally and collectively.
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